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How much street cred can nine bullet wounds buy? This is the question 50 Cent’s career seeks to answer. Can you have your own flavor of pink mineral water and still call yourself a “gangsta”? Apparently. Can you star in a game in which you gruesomely stab people, steal their wallets, and then use their money to buy an assortment of promo merchandise? You bet. Bulletproof, a third-person shooter in the vein of Dead to Rights or Max Payne, was part of 2005's 50 Cent holiday marketing assault, and like all advertising it favors image over substance. The cut-scenes are top-notch, with dark, druggy art direction and great voice acting from 50, Eminem, and Dr. Dre. But as a game, Bulletproof is a disaster. Your G-Unit allies are so dumb they had to be made invincible to keep them alive. Your enemies, on the other hand, sense your presence from 100 yards away and run in erratic patterns as they spray bullets, a frustration compounded by sloppy aiming controls. Bulletproof is a blur of lazy design, pandering gore, and shameless product placement.
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Fiddy’s game is barely worth the two quarters that his name comprises. Once you get past the fantastic character models and the mountains of licensed music found within (though the same four tracks play over and over again during the game), you have nothing but problems. The targeting system is useless, the levels are bland and filled with countless invisible barriers, and the camera is so hard to manipulate in tight spaces that you’ll often end up staring right at 50's face as he gets ventilated by the dozen enemies he just can’t see. I wouldn’t even recommend this to hardcore 50 Cent fans. If you really need your gangsta fix, go replay Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas instead.
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Like every star-studded, fran-chised-to-hell game that plops on the PS2, Bulletproof looks like a million bucks and plays like, well, 50 cents. Trying to line up a target’s head (hit ’im anywhere else and it’ll take most of your magazine to drop him) with your pinhole of a reticule while running, diving, and dodging incoming fire is ridiculously cumbersome. And whether you’re wielding a 9 milli or a 12-gauge, half the guns in the game have the same peashooter impact on enemy thugs when you are lucky enough to connect. The combat gimmicks—graphic, grappling insta-kills— look great but do zilch for gameplay since they’re autotriggered with a single button press. Maybe 50 should have approached Rockstar about getting dropped into the next GTA instead.